Anyone who drinks will tell you that life without it would be shit. I regularly wake up in the middle of the night in a full-blown fit of fear at the thought of prohibition being introduced into Ireland and I’m selling my body and the bodies of my mates in return for a shot of beer in some dingy cellar in a house in Sandymount. I hate Sandymount. So I’ve made a list of reasons why I wanna hang in the AlcoHall of Life.
1) The symptoms of a flu can be put on hold with the help of booze. They’ll come back when you stop boozing but at least you get to put them away for a while.
2) Animals are cuter after a few drinks. Give me a few cans and put me in a room with a dog and I’ll be gushing over the dog and making plans for a future with it-making empty promises about runs on the beach and calling over some time with a brand new and bouncier ball.
3) Children are cuter after a few drinks. Give me a few cans and ask me to babysit and I will find cuteness in the most un-cute of babies. I will find beauty in ugly ones and humour in boring ones. My nieces and nephews (the ones that can talk) have a saying “If Auntie Carol smells of booze, then Auntie Carol finds us bearable.”
4) My skin looks so much clearer. I know this is down to beer goggles. People forget that if your eyesight calls for some beer goggles after a few drinks, that they also apply to yourself when you look in the mirror.
5) In my sober world I hate confrontation but when I inhabit Tipsy Town I can take on any mutha fuckha. I may not win arguments in T.T. but can start them and isn’t it better to be involved than not involved at all?
6) I’m a better dancer.
7) When I fall it doesn’t hurt. I’ve fallen off bikes, fallen off walls, fallen out of shoes, fallen down stairs even fallen out of a car and if it wasn’t for the protective layer that enough alcohol creates all of those falls would have hurt. Even my ego was protected. If I gently trip in private and on a sober basis, it can crush my spirit for days.
8) I would never see most of my friends if I didn’t drink as it would just be extremely awkward sitting in a cafe chit chatting about real topics of conversation with them. Some of my friends who I have known for years and years, I have never shared a coffee with, not even an Irish one as you can’t get drunk on an Irish coffee. Even if you make them yourself and you’re in charge of the whiskey measures.
9) It’s scary as fuck how your life can change after a few drinks. And even though this can have disastrous effects, I’d have nothing much else to write about.